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Self Care is Self Love: an idea bank for surviving tough transitions in life

Some days you wake up and want to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world forever.

Candidly, I’ve been having a string of those days. And when I try to look for the light at the end of the tunnel (because this, too, shall pass), that light seems very, very far away.

My dad said to me, “Make sure to take care of yourself right now.”

But sometimes, when you’re lost in the depths of darkness and grief that your heart is capable of, it can be hard to remember what taking care of yourself even means or feels like.

For the past week, self-care for me has meant sleep. Sleeping all the time, getting to bed early, peeling myself out of bed 30 minutes after my alarm has gone off. Bed is my refuge where the rest of the world can’t touch me, and drifting off to dreamland has been my emotional lifeboat.

But forsaking all the rest of my needs for the sake of sleep isn’t healthy, productive or loving over the long term. And sometimes simply going through the motions of self-care can be enough to re-awaken feelings of self-worth, joy, and calm that may have gone missing.

So in case you’re having one of those weeks, here are the only three steps you need to think about:

Step One: Outline a self-care plan. Check out the list of my ideas (and real activities) below, and pick the ones that make you feel something. Commit that because you are important, these acts of love and tenderness are important. Put them on the calendar.

Step Two: Outline your obstacles and write out your plan to take care of yourself despite them. Because no good plan emerges from its first interaction with the real world completely unscathed. Traffic or kids or unexpected work projects pop up, so how do you ensure you take care of yourself despite these challenges? The challenges are probably the exact reason you need a little extra self-care, and letting them win and take priority is also inevitably letting yourself lose. So make sure that even if you lose some battles, you don’t lose the war.

Here’s my self-care Achilles’ heel — and it’s not an external event that throws a wrench into my plan: I LOVE beating myself up for taking the time to take care of myself. I have historically made a special habit out of feeling guilty for sitting still or sleeping in or spending money on things for myself besides what’s needed for survival. But I am blessed in times like this to be able to find a little extra time and a little money in the budget to show myself love. Self love and time/financial responsibility don’t need to be pitted against each other like enemies. They are, in fact, partners in crime. And loving myself is an investment that will show boundless returns over time.

Step Three: Start to execute your plan, and share your plan with others. Social support can make a crucial difference between talking the talk and walking the walk. Plus, you may end up with people wanting to join you and start their own self-care campaigns!

Ways you can integrate self-care into…

WORK:

  • Leave work at closing time consistently, and not stay late unless there are extraordinary circumstances. If I stay above and beyond the call of duty, I will ask for compensation from my boss in terms of a half or full comp day, a work from home day, or a spot bonus.
  • Don’t check work email on the weekends. Turn off the push notifications on my phone if I have to.
  • Request and take additional WFH days to get through the grieving process.
  • Take a lunch break! Take all 60 minutes if I need to for walking around, sitting in peace, going out, running errands, or going for a run.
  • Do something to make your life easier. Can you automate a system? Can you create a Mad Libs-style word bank of common emails you send, so you can copy and paste them (or use Gmail’s Canned Responses)?
  • Take your vacation time. It is a part of your compensation package, and yours to use.
  • Take a (mental health) sick day.

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL:

  • Intentionally schedule in “free” or empty time into your schedule — and guard and protect it fiercely.
  • Get time on your therapist or counselor’s calendar. God bless Andrea Anderson for being such a pivotal part of my mental and emotional pit crew during this time.
  • Light a wonderfully scented candle while you’re relaxing (or when I’m doing work from home as a treat for my dedication to growing my side hustle business!).
  • Have at least one conversation per month with someone whose behavior is causing a hardship in your life, and who may be open to constructive feedback on how to improve your relationship.
  • Read for a few minutes in bed each morning before you get up. (I’ve made a rule for myself that if I find a book I’m curious about under $3 on Amazon for Kindle, I don’t fret over it or try to find it at the library…I just buy it.)
  • Make screen-free time on the weekends.
  • Spend some time alone.
  • Write yourself a love letter. (I did this once in middle school and remember the phrasing of it TO THIS DAY.)
  • Listen to some awesome podcasts during your commute time. (I love Jess Lively, The Beautiful Writers Podcast, Kathy and Mo, Jenny Blake, Amy Porterfield, Kary Oberbrunner, and The Moth’s podcasts — all for different reasons!)
  • NOT watching TV or going on social media. For me, these stimulants trigger feelings of comparison and anxiety. I’d much rather use that time in a nourishing, not draining, way.
  • Pursue your own interests unabashedly. That means yes I will sing competitive all-women’s barbershop and volunteer as a crisis counselor and occasionally judge high school speech and debate meets.
  • Allow yourself some retail therapy, especially if it’s an investment in yourself (think: new headphones, fabulous new outfit for interviews/dates, more reliable smoothie blender…)
  • Start that new project you’ve been thinking about: that short story, that painting, that home renovation concept.
  • Learn how to do something new. There are a treasure trove of online videos and courses you can take to learn calligraphy, Facebook advertising, furniture upholstery, and more. Learning is good for the soul!

SPIRITUAL:

  • Find a buddy to help you deepen my spiritual exploration and beliefs.
  • Devote time to writing down your gratitude every. single. day.
  • Journal each day.
  • Create a vision board. Grab a couple old magazines and start tearing out all the images, quotes, passages, etc. that are resonating with where you are, and put them together. Augment with your favorite quotes from texts that qualify as spiritual for you.
  • Plan (and/or do) a spiritual retreat. It can be a weekend holiday, or a full-blown week somewhere amazing. There are incredible yoga or meditation or religious immersion programs that can be wonderfully restorative to the soul. Or it can just be taking a day to sit in your favorite park or museum and journal. The “you do you” principle is in full effect here.
  • Find a place to volunteer. (Crisis Text Line is always looking for more crisis counselors…! A more restful volunteer option might be a local animal shelter or perhaps supervising the children’s nursery at your church/synagogue.)
  • Read the biography or the written work of someone who has been a spiritual leader or inspiration to you.
  • Write a letter of forgiveness to someone or something that’s overdue. (You don’t have to send it if you don’t want to.)

FRIENDS/RELATIONSHIPS:

  • Call a friend on your commute.
  • Send a randomly chosen friend a gift or old fashioned letter at least once a month.
  • Take a “drinking and painting” class with a girlfriend. (Or hold a de-facto one at my house with my amazingly artistic friends.)
  • Spend time with someone you wouldn’t ordinarily. Go to lunch with a new coworker, go with a friend to take care of a family member you haven’t met, or call up that cousin you haven’t spoken to in 6 months. You may accidentally be a daymaker(!)
  • Make something delicious for a friend. Acts of service and generosity can be the best therapy.
  • Write an overdue thank you note to someone. Maybe it’s to a parent, for their patience and love in raising you. Maybe it’s to an old boss, for believing in you and mentoring you. Maybe it’s to your niece, for always smiling when she sees you. Let those built-up gratitudes out and into the light.

PHYSICAL:

  • Find a way to be active every day.
  • Stretch. Right now.
  • Play volleyball one night a week after work.
  • Make green smoothies whenever you have spinach and frozen fruit in the house.
  • Do yoga or pilates videos whenever you can squeeze them in.
  • Be in bed by 11pm and sleeping until at least 6am.
  • Treat yourself to a soy latte, especially after doing things that are difficult for you.
  • Get a little jolt of adrenaline. For me, this comes from that one highway on-ramp where I can totally floor it (safely!) in my car while getting up to speed to merge.
  • Take a fitness class you’ve never taken before. Aerial yoga…here I come!
  • Clean your room. The physicality of throwing things out, scrubbing the bathroom, vacuuming the floor can be restorative. (And if you’re into this kind of thing, you can read about bringing more feng shui into your space!)
  • Find someone to (consensually) hug. Physical contact can trigger instantaneous hormonal changes in your body to help you relax.
  • Get a massage. Thai massage can be particularly fun with its stretch-y versus pressure-y elements.
  • Take a vitamin. (Get a gummy one for grownups! Or your favorite flavor of EmergenC packets — I like the Tropical and Pink Lemonade ones best.)
  • Treat yourself to a new pair of fabulous underwear.
  • Take extra nice care of your physical body. Dry brush your skin, take an indulgent long shower, use a sugar scrub, massage your favorite lotion into every forgotten crease and joint, drink lemon water, and smile at yourself for a full minute in the mirror.  And who says you should only do this every once in a while? 😉
  • Dance it out. (My favorite way? CAR DANCING while I’m stuck in traffic, with the music turned way up loud.)
  • Sing. Don’t deprive the world of your passions, gifts and talents any longer.

If you’re seeking additional articles and inspiration about self-care and self-love, I recommend Kris Carr’s two articles and Gala Darling’s plethora of self-love lists to start. And tell me your own favorite loving behaviors so this list can keep growing!

Did you get value out of my self-care handbook? If so, I’d love to stay in touch with you:

About the Author Lisa Lewis

Lisa is a career change coach helping individuals feeling stuck to find work that fits. She helps people clarify who they are, what they want most, and what a great job for them looks like so they can make their transition as easily as possible. Lisa completed coaching training in Jenny Blake’s Pivot Method, Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions, Kate Swoboda's Courageous Living Coaching Certification, and the World Coaches Institute. In addition to that, she apprenticed with the top career coaches in the country so she can do the best possible work with — and for — you. She's helped more than 500 individuals move into more fulfilling, yummy careers and would be honored to get to serve you next!

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