Episode 85: Strong, Calm, Confident You with Kelsey Buckholtz

Welcome to The Career Clarity Show, where we help you find a lucrative, soulful, and joyful career path for you!

Today’s episode of the podcast is really precious to me, because I’m getting the opportunity to talk to somebody who has been where you are in a place of having a dream and something that you want to put out there in the world. 

I’m so honored and delighted to bring in a former client of mine, Kelsey Buckholtz, to share all the incredible things that she’s created over the last year and dimensionalizing her own path by adding in some incredible thought leadership. 

Kelsey is the founder of StrongCalmKelsey.com and author of the newly released Strong Calm Confident You book.

Want to learn more about our strategic framework for successful career change? Download The Roadmap to Career Fulfillment ebook right here!

SHOW NOTES:

• Strong Calm Kelsey
• Strong Calm Confident You Book
• Instagram: @StrongCalmKelsey
• Facebook: @StrongCalmKelsey

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Transcript:

Lisa Lewis Miller  0:04  

Welcome to the Career Clarity Show. If you want to create a career path you’ll love, you’re in the right place. I’m Lisa Lewis Miller, career change coach, published author and your host. And each week, we’ll bring you personal transformation stories, advice and insights from experts about how you can find a more fulfilling, soulful and joyful career.

Lisa Lewis Miller  0:31  

Hello, and welcome back to the Career Clarity Show. I’m Lisa Miller. And I’m delighted that you are with us as always today. Today’s episode of the podcast is really precious to me, because I’m getting the opportunity to talk to somebody who has been probably exactly where those of you listening are in a place of having a hope, a dream, a goal, something that you want it out there in the world, and standing on the precipice of being able to create that and make it happen. I’m so honored and delighted to bring in a former client to talk about her experience with the work her experience with a transition and a transformation and to share about all the incredible things that she’s created over the last year. And this particular episode of the podcast is gonna be a little bit different from some of the ones where I’ve spoken to past clients before. Because our guest today isn’t necessarily talking about making a big career transition in and of itself from our work together, but actually talking about dimensionalizing her own path by adding in some incredible thought leadership. Today’s guest wrote a book and we’re going to talk about the how the why the process the publishing all the nuts and bolts of that. So if you’re listening to the episode today, and you’ve ever had an ambition or an aspiration to be a thought leader, to share your ideas with the world, or even to publish and have your own book out on the world, you are definitely going to get some great nuggets out of today’s conversation. So with that, let me tell you a little bit about today’s guest Kelsey Buckholtz. Kelsey Buckholtz is the founder of StrongCalmKelsey.com, a blog dedicated to helping women be stronger, calmer and authentically themselves. Kelsey has a master’s degree in communications from Rutgers University, and a Bachelor’s in public relations from Penn State. She works in corporate communications and resides in New Jersey with her husband and their Beagle, Chihuahua. And Strong, Calm, Confident You is Kelsey’s first book, which we are talking about on the podcast today. So Kelsey, welcome to the Career Clarity Show.

Kelsey Buckholtz  2:39  

And so much, Lisa, it is just an honor to be on your podcast today.

Lisa Lewis Miller  2:44  

Well, it feels like such an honor and a pleasure to get to talk to you about all of the inputs that went into the awesome, awesome work that you have put out into the world. And I want to start our listeners at the beginning. So can you share a little bit about your, your background, and your professional history and what it was that even got you thinking about writing a book.

Kelsey Buckholtz  3:06  

Writing a book has honestly been one of my dreams since I was a little girl. I used to write all kinds of short stories. I was that kid in school who actually liked writing essays and wrote essays for all of my friends, I was always the editor. I went to college for journalism. You know, loved being creative. And realize pretty quickly that journalism isn’t always as creative as I really was aspiring to be. So I switched over to public relations, where I felt like I could do a little bit more with it, and pursued that path. I got an internship with a Fortune 50 company, my junior year of college that really set the path for me. And while my friends were all going to PR agencies to work in New York City, I was coming to New Jersey to work for a pharmaceutical company and everybody was like, What are you doing? Nobody got it. And I was just really passionate about the company, and about public relations, and I loved what I was doing. So I started at the company worked my way up. And the issue that I ran into was that I just never felt worthy of it. Even though they knew who I was. It wasn’t like I had lied on my resume to get in there. I had interned there, they knew me. They knew my work, but I just never felt like I was enough. And so I was constantly trying to prove that worth by people pleasing, and falling into this pattern of perfectionism. And that all came to a head for me about I would say, three ish years into my career, where I was just on the verge of burnout. I was living with my boyfriend he had moved here to New Jersey with me, he’s now my husband, so we made it through God love him. But I was living with him for the first time and I was working at this fortune 50 company and one of the youngest people there just feeling like, you know, I was in the wrong place that I was a total imposter. And then I was coming home, unknowingly playing this game of house, feeling like I had to do all the cooking and cleaning, even though my husband never asked for that stuff. And so I was just on the verge of burnout. And I knew that I needed to do something to change that, or, you know, my relationship was going to suffer and my life was going to suffer, I was totally unhappy, even though I was where I always thought I wanted to be. And I got into therapy, and started going through that process. And I learned that I had generalized anxiety disorder, and that I probably had since I was a kid, looking back, there are many signs that I just didn’t, I didn’t realize weren’t normal, you know, normal, I put in air quotes. So I started the therapy process learned, I had anxiety and realize that a lot of my issues were rooted in people pleasing and perfectionism, that lack of worth, that I was trying to fulfill through the validation of other people. And when you get in that pattern, no matter how much positive praise you get, you still don’t feel worthy, because you don’t have it internally. So as I went through that healing process, and it’s very much a work in progress, I’m not perfect by any means now. But as I started to go through that process, I realized that the women around me, were struggling as well, whether they had an anxiety disorder or not, I think many, many women suffer from this people pleasing and perfectionistic cycle where they feel like they have to do it all. And so that’s really where the idea for the book came from. I just found that the women around me, were struggling like I had, and I wanted to help them. You know, in a way, I wanted to shake that and be like, it doesn’t have to be this way. It really is a lot of internal work. So that is what the book takes people through and what I’m really passionate about sharing with other women.

Lisa Lewis Miller  7:02  

I love that. One of my favorite qualities in humans is when somebody goes through a trial, or something painful, they learn a lesson they were suffering. And they find this sense of mission and purpose in wanting to share their experience wanting to be vulnerable, and wanting to tell people what they’ve learned through this to help other people be saved from the same kind of pain and suffering and stress. And so the place that this book is born from calcia is so beautiful. And I think it’s so relatable because I don’t know a person who doesn’t have at least a touch of people pleasing, or perfectionism in them. But I’m wondering if there are people listening who just maybe don’t resonate with those exact terms, or maybe aren’t sure what that would look like? Or feel like? How would How would you describe perfectionism versus people pleasing? And what would you look for to see if those are things that are showing up in your own life?

Kelsey Buckholtz  8:07  

Yep, we can start with perfectionism. Because I think a lot more people probably identify with that. perfectionism, they’re actually three different aspects of it are different ways that it can manifest. The first is self focused perfectionism. And that’s where you put really high standards on yourself. That’s your typical type A overachiever, raising my hands all of these things. The straight A student, I’m an only child, if that sheds any light on that you don’t have to be I’m a Virgo. That’s another perfectionism connection there. But it’s just that these high standards that you put on yourself, everything has to be perfect, you’re very focused on results. You don’t enjoy the process as much. But even when you’re getting results, you don’t feel like you’ve accomplished anything. And you may not feel as happy as you thought you might see you’re accomplishing these goals, but you still don’t feel like it was enough. So that’s kind of self focused perfectionism. The second type is other focused perfectionism. And I don’t talk about this too much in the book, but that is when you put those perfectionistic tendencies on other people. So it might be a partner that you’re really hard on or a friend or your children. If you’re, you’re really hard on them, and you apply those high standards to other people. And that can lead to a lot of relationship issues. And then the third is socially oriented perfectionism. And that is where you perceive high standards from people and the environment around you. And this was what I was suffering from, in many ways. So I have this self oriented perfectionism, but this socially oriented is where people pleasing comes in. It’s this idea that you feel all these expectations and respond abilities that oftentimes are not really there. I was talking about, like, I was rushing home from work, had a terrible day. And instead of asking my husband to start dinner, I would do it and bang the cabinets and be all cranky and resentful, like thinking that I had to do that stuff. And through therapy, I learned that he didn’t even care about that stuff. That wasn’t something that was important to him. So I was placing all this pressure and sort of blaming him when it wasn’t really coming from him. So that is socially oriented perfectionism. And I think a lot of us suffer from that. And that carries over into that people pleasing, where you’re trying to please others, but you may not actually know what they want. They’ll take a breath, they’re on perfectionism and see if that all made sense, and then we can talk about people pleasing.

Lisa Lewis Miller  10:47  

Yeah, absolutely. You know, one of the things that I think about when I think about perfectionism, because this is this is for sure my Achilles heel, for sure I ever anybody who’s listening, who’s done the enneagram. I’m an enneagram. One, which is called the perfectionist or the reformer on some of the nicer or sort of more politically correct versions of the assessment. And the, the description of this that really resonates for me, regardless of which of the three types it is, is the the idea of trying to be flawless, so that you become bulletproof. Like if you can just do everything right and again, thinking of right in these air quotes, that then nobody will be able to criticize. Nobody will, there won’t be any chinks in the armor, you will have no weak places you will have no vulnerability. And in my own journey with reconciling with perfectionism, and understanding perfectionism, it was really difficult to get to a point where I could recognize that it’s actually through the imperfections and the vulnerability and the humaneness that we connect, and that we are able to see others and love others. So this desire to be bulletproof, is tied to this belief that it’s by being perfect and being flawless that I will be worthy to receive love. And untangling and and tying that at least for myself and realizing that Oh, shoot is actually the humaneness that is what creates connection and love was a big mental game changer.

Kelsey Buckholtz  12:27  

That’s a really good point I talked about it in the book is wearing a mask. You know, when you’re a perfectionist, you’re chronically fine. Everyone says, you know, how are you doing? I’m fine. How are you and you change the subject, you focus on other people. That’s one of the telltale signs and one of the ways that I see it manifest to is that we’re pursuing this perfect standard, that women feel like we have to uphold this idea that you have to do all these things and be all these things to other people. And you’re looking at other women on Instagram or your friends or other women at work that you don’t really know. And you think that they’ve got it all together, you think that they’re doing all these things? You think that they’re the perfect wife and they’ve got this great body and they’re a boss babe at work, like, you know, climbing the ladder, like how the hell are they doing that all? Not realizing that day behind closed doors are also wearing that mask of perfectionism. They’re faking it. They’re, they’re either faking it or you just don’t know them well enough for them to complain to you. Everyone struggles with this?

Lisa Lewis Miller  13:32  

Yeah, absolutely. We’ll share a little bit about that the people pleasing side of it.

Kelsey Buckholtz  13:38  

So people pleasing. Some of the signs of that are you have trouble saying no to people. So if someone asks you for a favor, you always say yes, even if it’s super inconvenient to you, you avoid conflicts. You know, you you just you agree with people even if you don’t agree because you don’t want to argue with anybody who also can be come the peacekeeper. So if you’re in a friend group and two people are fighting or arguing like you want to make you want everybody to feel warm and fuzzy, you try to play the peacekeeper and solve that argument. You’ll do anything for others, you can often be a social chameleon, where you kind of change who you are depending on who you’re around. And I think it also leads to this exhaustion. And I think people pleasers are often the ones being like, I’m so busy, I’m exhausted. I have all these things to do as people pleasing. You’re putting a lot of that pressure on yourself, trying to please others. 

Lisa Lewis Miller  14:33  

Funny listening to you share this, Kelsey, I was as we were coming into this conversation. I was thinking, Man, I don’t people please, I can stand up for myself. That’s not that’s not my thing. And then now that I’m hearing you ally and all these different pieces of it, it’s like oh, no, I’ve described myself as a social chameleon as a good thing and it it’s it’s funny and I imagine people pleasing in Some forums has really adaptive routes. Like for those of us, I sort of think about this in like a, an underrepresented, kind of a way where like, if you are the majority, right, if you are a sis hat white guy, like, you probably don’t have to do too much people pleasing, because you get to set the standards, you get to set the norms. But the more that you have an identity that’s tied to something that’s less represented, whether it’s race or ethnicity, whether it’s gender, whether it’s sexual identity, whether it’s religion, whether it’s whatever. I imagine that people pleasing almost becomes a survival response in certain situations, especially if you’re perceiving that you being you, and having needs having opinions, and creating a tension or conflict with the prevailing norm would be a potential threat, a threat to your survival, your safety, your happiness, your promote ability, your longitude at a company. So it’s really interesting to hear you put your finger on all the different elements of people pleasing, and think about how it might be a lot more common and a lot more widespread than that. It felt like at least on the surface to me.

Kelsey Buckholtz  16:13  

Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s misunderstood. Very often. I remember, you know, my family’s been asking, my family and friends have been asking, what’s the book about? And I remember having this conversation with my grandma. And she was like, what’s it about? And I was like, it’s about people pleasing, and perfectionism. And I was like, are you a people pleaser, grandma. And she was like, well, I tried to be a good thing. I was like, No, Grandma, it’s a bad thing. And I had to explain it to her. And for that generation, and my mom’s generation, especially, they didn’t see it that way. These concepts are so new, I feel like for the millennial and Gen X, Gen Z, coming up, like, we are starting to take better care of ourselves. we’re promoting self care, like for for generations, like my mom’s and before, it wasn’t something that they talked about. And I talked about my mom a lot in the book, she was a big inspiration to me to write this book. To me, she was that perfect woman, you know, growing up, she, she has a brother who has cerebral palsy, though she grew up helping to take care of him, it was her younger brother. And then when she got older, she moved him in with our family, I was about 10 years old, I would say. So I grew up with him as well. But she, you know, she took him in at a very young age, and took on that caregiver role, which in and of itself, you know, is such a big ask of somebody, but she didn’t even think twice about it. Neither did my dad. And I admire that about them so much. I’m not saying that that’s people pleasing. But I think as a result of taking him in, and all that responsibility that she felt as a kid, she’s apply that to other areas of her life. So, you know, I tell a story in the book about how hard it was for her. She’s also a nurse by trade, though she cares for others in her profession. And she had me when she was 23. She got married at 21 had me at 23. So very young. And she felt so much pressure to go back to work early. And then felt all of this guilt and shame for going back to work you she worked the night shift. And I tell this story about I had colic as a baby, I was a terrible baby. That’s why I’m an only child. My dad couldn’t get me to stop crying called her at the hospital. And she was like, I just felt like such a terrible mom. And it just makes me so sad. I if I could go back, you know, I’d tell her not to be so hard on herself, and that she was doing a fantastic job. And so she’s been a huge inspiration to me to write this book, because I see a lot of those same tendencies in her of trying to please everyone around her and trying to be perfect. And I’m like, Mom, give yourself a break. And that’s what I want to say to every woman, give yourself a break.

Lisa Lewis Miller  19:02  

I think that that is such a beautiful message. And it’s so important. And it’s also a little bit hard to hear right now, you know, in this crazy upside down pandemic time when we are trying to just survive. In a lot of ways. It feels like how can I give myself a break what’s even possible to give myself a break. And I feel like if I remember correctly in some of our conversations about the book, I think we even talked about like, when, when you feel like it’s hard to give yourself or feel like it’s hard to allow yourself to have what you need. And to be resourced or to get a break or to take a nap or to let go of somebody else’s expectation. What did you when you were addressing that in your exploration of this both for yourself and in the writing of the book? What came up for you? 

Kelsey Buckholtz  19:54  

Yeah, so there’s a whole chapter in the book dedicated to self care, which I think is another very commonly misunderstood topic, it is not face masks and manicures, although those things can be self care, and I love them. That’s not what it’s all about. I think self care is about refueling your own tank. I heard an analogy recently that, you know, when your car is below a quarter tank of gas, it actually runs less efficiently and takes more energy to run. And the same goes with your body. So if you don’t have enough sleep and time for yourself, you’re not operating on all cylinders. So all those things that you’re doing to please others is not coming off the way you want it to. And that’s what was happening in my life. I talked about, you know, coming home and making dinner, but slamming the cabinets around, my husband did not feel loved and appreciated when I was making dinner for him while being resentful, and neither does your family. So if you’re doing those things, but you’re completely burnt and stressed out, you know, you’re not doing anybody any good. So I think learning to recognize that is a tough thing I have in the book in the self care chapter, I have this thing that I actually came up with during the beginning of the pandemic, because I was struggling with this, like how do you know when you need a break? Because the lines of work and home and everything were so blurred. I do this daily self care check in. And I like to do mine around five o’clock at the end of the workday of just like asking myself, hey, how am I doing? How are you right now? I’m trying to come up with one feeling or emotion word? Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I depressed? Am I anxious right now, for some reason, what’s going on. And then allowing myself to feel whatever that is. So if I am feeling anxious, you know, not trying to stuff that down. But just saying, Alright, we’re feeling a little bit anxious. Maybe I journal on that a little bit. If I’m sad, or if I had a bad day, like let yourself feel that be angry throw something, be careful. cry if you need to, that’s okay. But I’d say to set a timer for like 10 minutes, allow yourself to have your moment and then move on. And the last step is applying self care. And I share what I call my self care menu. It’s like six types of self care based on whatever you need. Your emotions often caused you to do the opposite of what you need. So if you’re depressed, for example, you may want to isolate yourself. But what you may need is connection. So the exercise helps you figure that out, I share six different types of self care and the activities that fall underneath them for me, and then there’s a blank template for you to think about them. So for example, connection is one of the types of self care. So if you need connection, what could you do, and I have on my list, you know, calling a friend, or texting a friend, even just like sending a meme or something, if you don’t really feel like chatting can help. Distraction is another type of self care. Sometimes you just need a distraction from things that are going on or from anxiety that may not, you know, be real for lack of a better term. So some of the things that I do is watch funny videos I love Tick Tock for that. It’s very positive makes me laugh, just do something to get yourself out of that woe is me, pity party times, that’s what you need. There are six different types. And that’s a freebie that I have in my book of my self care menu, and then a template for you to fill one out and figure out what types of things work for you. So that’s one of the ways that I like to check in with myself and figure out what I might need on a daily basis, because I think it really varies and it’s very important to check in with yourself and just ask yourself how you’re doing.

Lisa Lewis Miller  23:39  

And I love how how easy it is how low lift that is, you know, it’s not like you need to clear an hour and a half off your schedule to paint your nails that because that might feel completely impossible for some folks right now, especially folks who are working more than one job or who are working while they’re trying to do a job search or working mom have so to be in a position where you can do a quick text to somebody or watch a 32nd video on Tick Tock sounds so great. And I feel a little bit like a dinosaur because I’m not on tik tok yet, but Brian Newkirk, one of the coaches on our team is obsessed, and he has been singing their praises. So I feel like I’ve gotta get hip here soon enough.

Kelsey Buckholtz  24:22  

To win the bad mood because it makes me laugh every time. That and Instagram Rails is pretty good too.

Lisa Lewis Miller  24:29  

Duly noted. I love it.

Lisa Lewis Miller  24:32  

Well, let’s talk about your book and the and the creation process and the publishing process. Because I know when I was going through writing my book, perfectionism came up and reared its head, big time in the writing and the editing process for me. So I’m curious if you were finding moments of these themes popping up in your process as you were writing do.

Kelsey Buckholtz  24:56  

Oh my gosh, did I ever and add on the company City of I’m writing a book about perfectionism and people pleasing and how to deal with these issues. And then suffering from these issues while writing this book. It was really just the cycle of, you know, I would feel that perfectionism of like, is this good enough. And then it was like you’re writing about these topics, and you’re feeling it yourself, as you would be writing this. And you could just spiral out so, so quickly. And I’m lucky that I had you along the way there, Lisa. Because at the beginning of the pandemic, when I decided I wanted to write a book, I started looking for a coach, and found you. And I didn’t even know that you were reading a book until our very first call together, and I was like, This is my girl. She’s gonna help me through this. And I remember in our very first I think, like formal coaching session, you told me about the Gremlin. And I talked about them in my book, I call them the mind monsters, but the idea is the same. It’s these negative voices in your head that tell you you’re not enough. It’s those voices of perfectionism and guilt and shame, imposter syndrome. And you told me, as I started this process, that the Gremlins would get louder. And you said, Remember, the Gremlins are trying to keep you safe, but you don’t want to live there anymore. And that was this total Mic drop moment for me. And that has been like my mantra throughout this whole process. Like, as we’re recording this, my book is coming out in three days. And I have been so anxious this week. But I know, I know. It’s just my mind. monsters are my Gremlins. I know that they’re trying to keep me safe. I know that this is super scary. I’m putting a very vulnerable book out there. But I know that they’re just trying to keep me safe. And like you said, I don’t want to live there anymore.

Lisa Lewis Miller  26:50  

That’s so beautiful. And that’s feels like a really sweet gift to get to hear you share that back. And I imagine that for folks who are listening to this, it’s going to be so resonant because everybody has got something in their life where they are trying to to grow. They’re trying to stretch, they’re trying to do something new. And there’s a really natural set of emotions that come up when you’re pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. And being a beginner, again, I’m doing something that you might mess up. And I think in my own experience of writing my book, I remember, I was through like round three of copy edits. And I remember finishing rereading the book and thinking to myself, is this even good? Like was this just a waste of time, spent the last nine months just like, just like pooping on a piece of paper and expecting people to read it.

Lisa Lewis Miller  27:45  

And it’s funny how these kinds of worries and questions and fears just pop up along the process of trying something new and putting yourself out there. And being visible in something that you’re trying that’s new. And that if we listen to all of those voices that pop up, to try to keep us safe, if they can succeed and keeping you safe, but they will also keep you stagnant and bored. And feeling stuck. And it’s the willingness to hear those voices pop up and say, You know what? I think that there’s something that’s still good here, I think this is still worth putting out into the world and putting, you know, getting across the finish line on and being willing to keep taking, taking those action steps that makes the difference and can help folks to get out of a funk or a rut or whatever.

Kelsey Buckholtz  28:40  

Yeah, absolutely. I think one of the antidotes to those voices is vulnerability. And I talked about that a lot in the book. And it’s something that we talked a lot about, as I was writing the book, I was really scared to share that I was even writing a book with my friends and family. So I had this Instagram that I had built. And I had a pretty good following of strangers who resonated with my content. But a lot of my friends and family and especially my co workers I was worried about didn’t know that I had this kind of like double life at the time. And that was a big part of the process. For me, I remember talking to you about it. And it was almost symbolic of my people pleasing that I needed to tell those people and get it out there in the open so that I realized that nothing bad happened, that I couldn’t hide this book. If I really wanted to put it out there. I had to be willing to tell people whether I knew them or not, you know, sometimes it’s easier to tell people you don’t know scary stuff. But I put it out there and you know, the world did not implode. But what you taught me was to lead with vulnerability. So I would start a lot of those conversations with I’ve been scared to tell you about this because XYZ fill in the blank. And then I would tell and By doing that, you take away the power of that, my monster, that Gremlin, right, you, you voice that concern out loud, and you make it very difficult for that to be true. And through those conversations Now, every time I opened up and shared about my book, or my anxiety, I have never regretted it. People were always very accepting, I had so many people reach out to say, me, too, this resonates with me, I can’t wait to read it. And those conversations never would have happened if I hadn’t been vulnerable, and then willing to open up about it.

Lisa Lewis Miller  30:36  

That’s amazing. And I can imagine, for those of you listening to this principle applies to anything in your life, that feels a little challenging, a little confronting a little scary, that if you lead with the vulnerability, and say, Hey, this feels really, really raw, or really delicate to share, or I’m still in the middle of figuring this out. So I feel like this is really messy. But I’m exploring a career change, or I want to write a book, or I’m thinking about grad school, or I want to move to Portugal. When you lead with the fear in the nervousness, you really set the tone for the conversation to be so loving and warm and supportive. And for people to better understand how they can support you. Because I think a lot of people in our lives, whether they do this consciously or not feel like the role that they need to play in our lives is the is the fixer. And the like, let’s let’s poke holes in this and let’s like make it bulletproof. And they sort of collude with our perfectionism in some ways sometimes. And so when you lead with your strong hand of I want to move to Portugal or I want to write a book, oftentimes, people interpret their role in the conversation as being the one to to caution you and warn you and tell you about all the things that could go wrong and tell you about all the vulnerability and the risk. But when you lead with, this feels really vulnerable and scary. And I haven’t really shared it with a whole lot of people. But I am thinking about writing a book, the response is totally different. And it’s just a matter of, of a couple different words. And an ever so slightly different energy for the conversation can make it so much more supportive, and warm and positive and loving and delightful. So that you start to amass this group of people on Team Kelsey, of which I was definitely a member to support you cheer you on, share about your book, buy copies, all kinds of good stuff like that. So Kelsey, let me ask you, in the process of wrestling with this, this personal development project, while also creating this incredible book that can outlive you, and that can touch hundreds and hundreds of people across the world. What surprised you most about the process?

Kelsey Buckholtz  33:01  

One of the things that surprised me most was how long it took once I got into it. I had no idea how long the process would be. So you know, it’s not just about writing the book, there is a whole editing and publishing process that really takes a lot of time. It’s been about a year for me soup to nuts. And I would say that’s probably pretty quick. I don’t know, at least the how long your whole process was? Well,

Lisa Lewis Miller  33:29  

I feel like if you look at when I started writing the book, officially my process was about 11 months. But I had been writing articles on these topics for two and a half years before even beginning the book. So if you think about it, through that way of doing idea development and concept development from the beginning, back then this book process took three and a half years. Wow.

Kelsey Buckholtz  33:53  

Yeah, it’s, it’s it’s a very long process. I mean, and it says, You see people do it in all different timeframes. But I really, you know, I wanted to put out a college book, my goal was to publish a book, but I didn’t want to publish a piece of crap. So I, you know, I took, we talked about all the different options of publishing. And I decided that I wanted to hire a professional copy editor, which was really, really helpful and that that added a lot of time to my process, too. So she took a look at it gave me some great feedback. And I really spent a lot of time with her feedback, I would say, a couple weeks, maybe a month, you know, adding to the book. And then once I had it in a good place, I had a proofreader read it as well. So I think you know, the self publishing process is kind of choose your own ending where you can you can do it you know, a little quick and dirty you can do it all yourself if you want to you can. You can write a book and publish it today. If you want to You can spend a lot of time with it, you can spend money on it, you can hire people to help you make it better. And, you know, I really wanted to invest that time. So a year feels like a long time. But it also feels really quick at the same time. So that was the biggest learning to me was all that would go into the process. It wasn’t just writing the book and pushing publish, there was a lot, lot more that went into it.

Lisa Lewis Miller  35:22  

Yeah, and I think sometimes when people think about the hardest part of the book, they think of the writing. But I don’t know about your experience. But mine was that the writing was not that bad once you got into a rhythm, but it was all the other decisions and questions and layers. Yeah.

Kelsey Buckholtz  35:37  

Yeah. The technology of publishing, I’m in the throes of that now just trying to figure out Kindle Direct Publishing and all the different formatting that has been one of the most frustrating aspects like I didn’t sign up for this, I’m a writer. But you know, I’m learning a ton. And it’s been, you know, very fulfilling and exciting as I go through the different milestones. Amazing. Well,

Lisa Lewis Miller  36:03  

speaking of the writing process, for people who are feeling daunted by actually putting pen to paper, or I guess, in our case, fingertips to keyboard, I would love for you to share about how you got the writing done. Because people might be listening to you thinking, whoa, Kelsey has this high powered full time job, and she was able to fit in time to write a book. How did that even work.

Kelsey Buckholtz  36:28  

So, like I said, it’s something that I’ve always wanted to do. And I always struggle with finding the time. I, for many years spent my mornings, I was a morning workout person, I love to get up early, have my coffee workout, and then I would head into work for the day. And when I came home at night, my my brain was much I talked about being on the verge of burnout, I did not have the mental capacity to sit down and write a book at the end of the day. And my mornings were sacred at that time. When the pandemic hit last year, right around this time, we started working from home. And so I had extra time that I wasn’t spending commuting and going back and forth between work and I didn’t have to get, you know, ready for the day as much as I did before. And I just had this pull on my heart that there was something more that I was supposed to be doing with this time. Like immediately within a couple of weeks, I was like this is gonna last a while and I need to take advantage of this time like I’m supposed to be doing something else. And I started doing this soul searching and I realized like, this is my time to write the book. And that was the point where I hired you, I looked for a coach I found Julissa connected with you. And I think we did some time analysis at the time, I think we looked at my time and my schedule and tried to figure out, okay, when Could I write, and I knew I had to rearrange my schedule, so that I could write in the morning because that is my best time. That’s what I’m at my best. And I was really fearful of not doing my work morning workout. That sounds so silly, but I was afraid I wouldn’t do it at the end of the day, and that all of my healthy habits would fall to the wayside because I wanted to pursue this goal. But that was not the case, I created a new schedule for myself, I continued to wake up at 530 every morning, like I did when I went to work in an office. And I still had my coffee, and I did my meditation. And then I dove into writing or whatever stage of the writing process I was in, whether that be editing or what have you. And I spent one to two hours every morning before I logged on to my day job working on the book, and then I was still able to get my workouts in the evening. And that I found that to be a very nice transition for me from the work day into like home life. So it was a way for me to kind of shake off all the stress from the day, the stress and the anxiety from the day and then transitioning to, you know, going downstairs leaving my home office and spending time with my family making dinner and enjoying that downtime. Oh, actually, I’ve come to love my new schedule I love this morning writing time. And I’m using that time now to finish up the publishing process. So I think if you want something bad enough, you’re going to find the time. And I actually I have a section on that in my book. It’s in I have a whole chapter on learning to love your body and how to incorporate exercise and I do this activity where you kind of do an audit of your time and find those pockets where you can spend maybe a half an hour on yourself working out. And I talked about, you know having those conversations with the people you love about the sacrifices that you may need to make, to to find that time. So whether it’s writing a book or getting healthy, or starting a side hustle. If you really want it you can find the time. You can find the time it’s just about rearranging and really prioritizing what matters to you.

Lisa Lewis Miller  39:54  

It’s such a great truth bomb and great Mic drop moment to end our conversation today on So Kelsey, congratulations again on publishing your book and putting it out into the world. And if somebody has been listening to this and loving what you’ve been sharing and wants to get their hands on a copy, where are the best places for them to pick one up?

Kelsey Buckholtz  40:12  

The book is available on Amazon in print and Kindle format. So just look for Strong, Calm, Confident You. And you can find me at StrongCalmKelsey.com, or @strongcalmKelsey, on Instagram, and Facebook. I would love to connect with you. So please know shoot me a message. Thank you so much for having me, really. So this has been so fun and so surreal to be on the other side of this, like I said, in the beginning, I work in PR, so I’m often the person on the sidelines preparing somebody to do a podcast or an interview. So for me being on the other end of the mic, or the camera has been totally surreal. And just really cool. So thank you so much for having me.

Lisa Lewis Miller  40:56  

Well, it’s a delight to get to have you. I’m so stinking proud to get to see your book in the world and get to pick up my copy as soon as it comes out. And I am planning on doing a giveaway of strong calm, confident you to a Career Clarity Show listener. So if you’re not already on our email mailing list, that’s where I’m giving out the directions for how to do this. So make sure that if you’re not on it already, you go to get Career Clarity, Show comm and sign yourself up so you can get a free copy of Chelsea’s book.

Kelsey Buckholtz  41:27  

That’s awesome. Thank you so much.

Lisa Lewis Miller  41:36  

And that’s a wrap. Let us know what you thought about today’s episode. leave us a review on Apple podcasts. Because not only can your stars and words help us find great guests and topics to feature on future episodes. Your input also helps other people find the resources they need to discover the work that lights them up. And make sure to check out my book Get Career Clarity: Finally Find The Work That Fits Your Values and Lifestyle for the link to order it go to GetCareerClarity.com/book. And don’t forget to get your other tools resources and helpful goodies at GetCareerClarity.com/podcast. Thanks again for joining us for the Career Clarity Show today. And remember, if you don’t love your work, we should talk because life is too short to be doing work that doesn’t light you up. Talk to you next time.