fbpx

Episode 100: Trust Yourself with Melody Wilding

Welcome to The Career Clarity Show, where we help you find a lucrative, soulful, and joyful career path for you!

Today on the Career Clarity Show we are celebrating 100 episodes! Thank you for any of you who have been listening to the Career Clarity Show since the beginning. Thank you to those of you for whom this is the very first episode and you’re just listening because you too are a fan of today’s guest. I’m so glad to have you and I hope this episode makes an impact in your life. 

We’ve been through 100 episodes and I couldn’t imagine a better person to have as our guest of the day to talk about all things career, and clarity and finding work that fits you, Melody Wilding. She has been an advisor, mentor and guide in my own coaching journey. She has created a whole body of work that is incredible and so meaningful to people who feel like they don’t quite fit within a typical kind of corporate context. So if you’ve ever felt a little bit like the odd person out, or that things don’t feel quite right even though they look good on paper, Melody is going to be able to open your eyes to so many considerations as to how to find a place that feels like it is really nurturing and in sync with your natural way of being. 

Want to learn more about our strategic framework for successful career change? Download The Roadmap to Career Fulfillment ebook right here!

Show Notes:

Subscribe to The Career Clarity Show on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play.

And, follow The Career Clarity Show on Facebook and Instagram — and sign up below to receive emails when new episodes come out!

Transcript:

Lisa Lewis Miller  0:04  

Welcome to the Career Clarity Show. If you want to create a career path you’ll love, you’re in the right place. I’m Lisa Lewis Miller, career change coach, published author and your host, and each week, we’ll bring you personal transformation stories, advice and insights from experts about how you can find a more fulfilling, soulful and joyful career. You’re listening to the Career Clarity Show. Hello, and welcome back. I’m Lisa Miller, your host, and I am delighted for you to be with us today. Not only because I am a huge fan of today’s guest on the podcast, and I’m so excited for her to share her brilliance with all of you listening. But because today’s episode is extra special, because I just realized it is Episode 100. We’ve been through 100 episodes of the Career Clarity Show and I couldn’t imagine a better person to have on as our guest of the day to talk to all of you and share about all things career, and clarity and finding work that feel like it fits you. So thank you for any of you who have been listening to the Career Clarity Show since the beginning. Thank you to those of you for whom this is the very first episode and you’re just listening because you too are a fan of today’s guest. And thank you to all of you in between what listen to two episodes 20 episodes 99 episodes, I’m so glad to have you and I hope this has made an impact and been valuable in your life. Today’s episode of the podcast feels really special for me because it is one of the only it might be the only repeat guests that we’ve had on the Career Clarity Show who is external to the Career Clarity Show team. For those of you who have been listening to the show for a while you know that we have the Career Clarity Show coaches on the show all the time dropping knowledge and brilliance with you. But this person is one of the people that I looked up to when I first started coaching. She has been a an advisor and a mentor and a guide. She has created a whole body of work that is incredible. And that is so meaningful, especially to people who feel like they don’t quite fit within a typical kind of corporate context. So if you’ve ever felt a little bit like the odd person out, or like, things don’t feel quite right even though they look good on paper and you’re not sure why today’s guest on the podcast is going to be able to open your eyes to so many considerations as to how to find a place that feels like it is really nurturing and in sync with your natural way of being. Today’s guest on the podcast is the delightful, wonderful melody Wilding. Melody has been working as a coach for years and years. And I am so excited to have her on the podcast today. Because today is her books, birthday. melodies book trust yourself comes out nationwide, probably globally today, and you can pick up a copy anywhere books are sold. And she’s here to talk about sensitive strivers. People who do well at work and feel more than your average bear. And ways to take practical steps to get back into alignment and feeling like you are feeling the way you want to feel in your work if you’ve been feeling out of sync. So if you identify as somebody who is particularly sensitive, empathetic, someone who notices more than other people around you or feels more than other people around you, somebody who’s felt like you don’t quite fit in and a normal corporate context and you can’t figure out why you are in a love melody and everything that she shares with us on the show today. So with that, Melody, welcome back to the Career Clarity Show.

Melody Wilding  3:53  

Thank you so much for having me back again. And huge congratulations. This is quite the celebration then today. Really fantastic. I’m so honored to be guest on episode 100.

Lisa Lewis Miller  4:08  

Well, I feel like I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that your book comes out today and happy book birthday to you.

Melody Wilding  4:14  

Thank you very much. It’s been a year, a day five years in the making. So quite the lead up.

Lisa Lewis Miller  4:21  

I believe that and for any of you who are listening, if you haven’t already go back and listen to Melody’s first appearance on the Career Clarity Show because she talks a little bit about exactly how this has been five years in the making. Because melody has been through some cool twists and turns in her own career path and stumbled upon this world of highly sensitive people and being able to thrive at work and cultivated this body of work on sensitive strivers that you have been developing and just really defining and adding to the conversation around workplace act. As over these last five years, so it must feel so cool to get to have this sort of flagship creation, this book out into the world. 

Melody Wilding  5:10  

It’s incredible. It’s really, it’s very surreal to think that today is here. And just, it’s it’s nerves, it’s excitement, knowing that people are going to be able to hold it in their hands. But I am also so thrilled that, you know, I hope everything inside the book just opens up a new level of understanding and acceptance and happiness and satisfaction for anyone who reads it.

Lisa Lewis Miller  5:37  

I love that. Well, for our episode today, I love to take a topic that we talked about a little bit and our first conversation and really expand it and dive deeply in it today, which is the acronym strive. Because when you were first on the podcast, and educating all of us on alien Aaron’s work, and highly sensitive people, and the kind of unique ways that those characteristics can show up in the way that we present at work, and the way that we’re able to contribute at work, you had this perfect acronym, to describe the six core traits that go along with a sensitive stryver. So I’d love to dive into each letter, each one of these traits one by one, and really peel apart what they mean. And ways to get yourself feeling healthier, and happier and more in alignment, and each of these phases, and maybe even talking about how to know, if you’re in an environment that’s not going to make that possible for you. And if it’s time to move on. Because people who’ve been listening to the Career Clarity Show for a while know that personality fit is such a big piece of what we talk about with career satisfaction. And it’s one that not a whole lot of other people talk about a lot of people talk about compensation, they talk about strength, but the environment that you are in and how well it sets you and your personality and your natural state of being your natural wiring up for success plays a way bigger role than sometimes we give it credit for

Melody Wilding  7:05  

Huge and even biggest for highly sensitive people. Because the fundamental aspect of our trade, our our genetic wiring leads us to be more affected by everything that is happening around us, which is why no, Dr. Elaine Aaron’s work has found this idea of differential susceptibility, which is a fancy way of saying that highly sensitive people are more affected by what is happening around them. So the research shows that highly sensitive people have better outcomes than the average person higher performance greater satisfaction than the average person when they’re in a positive environment. But when they’re in a negative or unsupportive environment, the exact opposite, worse outcomes, more depression, anxiety, lower performance than the average person. That’s how impactful it is for us, which is why I adore that part of your framework is that personality component and making sure there’s a fit there.

Lisa Lewis Miller  8:11  

Yeah, there’s an episode of the podcast that that is coming out later this month with Kelly shields where we talk about a lot of the physiological consequences of being out of alignment in your work, and how stress and burnout can show up in your body. And so knowing that hsps and sensitive strivers tend to when you’re in alignment do better than your average bear. And when you are out of alignment feel worse. I hope that that framework gives listeners a sense of, of permission, that you’re not being high maintenance, you are not being needy, you are not being oversensitive, you’re trying to find the place where you can thrive and kick ass because you know you can.

Melody Wilding  8:58  

Well that your your nervous system in your body is trying to send you an important signal and data. And too many times we rationalize it away, just work harder, you make a big deal out of nothing. This is a great job who wouldn’t be happy here. Rather than seeing those signs for what they are, we push through them and that’s where we face burnout and all those other physiological consequences.

Lisa Lewis Miller  9:21  

Well, let’s talk about the the six traits of sensitive strivers and just go right through them one by one and talking about what they mean, what they look like and how to make sure that you’re in a healthy alignment and each one.

Melody Wilding  9:37  

Sure so yeah, it’s a backup. So this acronym strive really outlines those six core qualities of being a sensitive driver. And I just want to underscore that the qualities in themselves, you may identify with some more than others since just like any trait. Certain aspects of it appear more strongly in some people than others, but also That the aspects themselves are somewhat neutral, they both, they all have both a upside of what the quality looks like when it’s well balanced and can be a strength versus having a downside and when it is unbalanced, how it can hold you back or get in your way in your career. So starting off with our first one, which is to ask and strive that is sensitivity. And I know that may sound very obvious that of course, the sensitive driver is sensitive. But it really, probably a better way to explain it is sensory sensitivity. So that is that attunement to the environment. It means you’re perceptive, you’re able to deeply process information of what’s going around going on around you. But when you’re unbalanced, it can lead you feeling very overwhelmed, overstimulated. So when sensitivity is balanced, you are be able to be calm and composed, you’re getting enough downtime and rest you’re meeting your needs there, you’re able to use your intuition for better decision making, because you’re listening to yourself in your body and your needs. But when it’s unbalanced, you are anxious, you will almost feel like amped up all the time or just kind of buzzing. You’re fearful, you’re in that fight or flight state, you’re slow to relax, you’re in a state of stress and tension. So that is our first one sensory sensitivity.

Lisa Lewis Miller  11:35  

Well, when you talk about sensory and sensitivity, it feels like there’s a big element of this that comes to your physical space. Like if you’re getting too much stimulation from a space because it’s it’s too loud, or there, you’re working in a coffee shop. And there are too many people going by or they’re playing music that’s too distracting. And it feels like there’s a big piece of understanding the physical aspects and setting yourself up for success and not being under stimulated like being in such a silent place that then your brain starts to rev up and like go running wild but also not being overstimulated with people interrupting you, or with slack messages or whatever your company’s you know, instant messaging software is popping up and making noises and distractions all the time. Or, you know, when you’re in a world where people are back in physical office spaces, having people just knock on your cubicle door and say got a minute all the time. But it feels like there’s an extra layer to it too.

Melody Wilding  12:38  

There is there is and there is also a you’re talking a lot about, you know, external stimuli, like the lights being too bright or people interrupting you. There’s also something to be said, I think for the internal overstimulation, where I see this, I see sensitivity often unbalanced with clients who freeze up in meetings. So, you know, I had one client who was just promoted to a bigger role with more responsibility, visibility, that meant more meetings, especially meetings with more senior leaders. And she never felt comfortable speaking up was not always confident in what she said, but would become so overwhelmed by all there was to process in that moment, people’s facial expressions and what the other person just said, and what are they going to think if I say this, and it would send her into a complete nervous tailspin where she would just get completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. And so really learning to balance her sensitivity. A lot. One of the keys to that is creating time, before those tense situations because we can’t avoid stressful situations, it’s going to happen. But you can better prepare yourself. So making sure that you’re not rushing from one meeting to the other and just kind of showing up in a huff, that you have some time you’re able to down regulate yourself, close your eyes, do two minute meditation, drink some water, go to the bathroom, get yourself situated with get your head in the right space with what you want to share that those are all small little ways you can regulate your yourself and your level of stress. So you can show up more in that situation.

Lisa Lewis Miller  14:27  

Yeah, I love that. And I melody, one of the things I’m hearing and what you’re saying is that there are sort of two factors, there are the factors that you can control the internal factors, the decisions, the behaviors, that reactions and responses, and then there are the external factors, all the external stimuli, what other people are doing, what kind of a space you’re in, and it feels like there’s an interesting discernment moment for people who are thinking about probably each of these letters of what are the things that are within My control that I can change that I can, you know, either manipulate externally or or choose differently internally to set myself up for success versus when do I feel like I’m in an environment where even with all of my best efforts, I’m not going to be able to make this field the way that I want to feel, or to be able to be executing and existing in a healthier part of my emotional spectrum.

Melody Wilding  15:28  

Yeah, and you know, what’s interesting, I have one client in particular that I always think of when I’m talking about the bass in particular. And she was in a major organization. And her job, so much of it was about crisis management, and executive escalations. And it broke her because so much of the role was time pressure was you were under a spotlight, you had to be really very careful about what you said, there were extremely high standards, and everything was a fire drill constantly, that was the nature of the role. And so she it was just, it was not a fit for her was not an environment where she felt she could thrive, where she had peers who loved it, who loved that adrenaline rush, that was what they lived for. And so we actually worked together to identify that and moved her into a different role. That was a completely different pace, content based role working on a product that she was really interested in. But the nature of the work itself was completely different, and really a better match for what she needed as a sensitive Schreiber.

Lisa Lewis Miller  16:41  

And one of the distinctions I feel like is so important there is that you never in that story said that she was underperforming, or she’s doing a bad job, that she was capable of the performance required, but it was destroying her. And, and being willing to parse apart the difference between being good at something versus being energized by it or feeling like it’s in alignment with your natural personality needs. is such a layer of sophistication, that often we don’t give ourselves permission to get to, we don’t let ourselves get into that level of nuance of just because I’m good at something does not mean I have to do it.

Melody Wilding  17:19  

Mm hmm. Yeah. And that’s the stryver. That’s the stryver within us always wants to be the aide plus of gold star. Let me push through it. And you’re exactly right. I love that differentiation.

Lisa Lewis Miller  17:31  

Well, and to that point, if somebody is listening to this, and they are thinking about this as and they’re thinking, the role where I am working right now, or the space that I am working in right now, is totally out of alignment. And it feels like there’s nothing that I can do within the confines of this organization, or this culture, or this physical space, to be able to address that. That could absolutely be the impetus for somebody to consider making a career change and getting clear on what feels good for them. But I’m curious what if somebody is listening to this and thinking, I feel like I’m a little bit out of alignment here. And maybe all I need is just a nudge, maybe all I need is just a tactical step, to get back into feeling more embodied. would you suggest for somebody who is noticing a little bit of misalignment on their sensitivity trait,

Melody Wilding  18:25  

I think there are small, very micro changes you can make, especially in this environment. Things like switching video meetings to audio only, or lifesaver since video, 90% of our stimulation comes through our eyes. And so if you’re on video all day, that is incredibly taxing. And if you’re watching yourself, you have yourself on zoom and can see yourself, that’s even worse, because you’re self monitoring, so all of your energy is going towards that. So switching a video meeting to audio only turning off the cell view putting on just speaker view only. So you’re not seeing all of the squares on your zoom screen. Taking one minute to just take 10 deep belly breaths and practicing breathing in more slowly than you breathe out. Closing all of the windows on your browser before you get up from your computer so you don’t come back and have 50 windows open and all of a sudden feel overwhelmed about where you were starting and oh, I have all these articles to read. That helps to spending one hour away from your devices at night. Again, just getting out of that reactive over stimulation. Let me just keep scroll, scroll scroll. All of those are really micro changes that anyone can do that will help start balancing this area.

Lisa Lewis Miller  19:47  

Melody I feel like I’m going to be taking notes during as soon as you’re talking about this scroll scroll scroll thing I’m thinking you know what would be really good for you Lisa is to sleep with your phone in different room like this. Taking the temptation out of your life. Yeah, simple step. Yes. But it’s it is surprisingly challenging. And I can imagine there are people listening to this who are saying like, well, melody that sounds so easy, but their expectations of me, there’s an expectation that I’m going to be on video, if there’s an expectation that I’m going to be making sure to check in on my email and answer it at 10 o’clock at night. What would you say to people who, who feel like that the cultural expectations wouldn’t allow them to take steps like those.

Melody Wilding  20:31  

I would say number one, that those might be an assumption that those cultural expectations might be a story you’re telling yourself rather than reality. And so I would fact check those if I was coaching someone on that, but I would say start small. Again, if you can’t turn off your video, for example, maybe you can make more time in between your meetings, the These aren’t going to be possible for everyone but look for what you focus more energy on what you can control versus what you can’t.

Lisa Lewis Miller  21:08  

Love that. Let’s go on to the next letter in the strive framework, the T.

Melody Wilding  21:16  

So T stands for thoughtfulness. And this is really reflective of a sensitive strivers ability to see nuance in the world around them to really be exceptionally reflective, contempt contemplative, and the way that they think we tend to be very deep thinkers. On the flip side, we can also get stuck in overthinking we’re big warriors, we can be indecisive, we have a lot of self doubt and imposter syndrome oftentimes. So when your thoughtfulness is balanced, you are able to think deeply, you act purposefully because you have thought through a situation and you know what direction you’re going, you are able to practice constructive self talk to help you reach your goals. And perhaps most importantly, you’re able to make really unique connections to offer inventive, innovative ideas that others may be missing. But when all of this is unbalanced, when your thoughtfulness is off kilter, you are probably second guessing yourself, you’re unable to make small decisions, you may reread an email 10 times before sending it, you’re overly overly self critical, make one mistake in a presentation, it’s the end of the world. And getting bogged down analysis, paralysis and unnecessary details is also really common.

Lisa Lewis Miller  22:41  

And this is another one where it feels like there are external forces and their internal forces and this one, there might be more internal forces than external ones. But I, I can think back to clients who have been in situations with supervisors where there has been such intense immediacy and time pressure on doing everything, that it, it sends you into a tailspin, because you feel like you don’t have the time or the permission to give thoughtfulness to anything. And I imagine for some people, understanding that, that’s the cultural expectation of the organization might mean like, hey, it’s time to think about someplace else that you could go where they have space for exhaling. And there’s time for contemplation and, and they want to do more of the measure twice, cut once kind of an approach to business. But what would you say for folks where maybe there are some opportunities to change things internally to get their thoughtfulness into better balance?

Melody Wilding  23:42  

Mm hmm. Yeah, well, and just to talk about what you were saying about really selecting a culture, that’s going to be a good fit, I think just to give people hope, because sometimes it can feel like but is there anywhere that values this, I will tell you that now I have many clients who are in organizations that are creating no meeting days where people are just doing heads down deep work, or really instituting times where you can be on Do Not Disturb on slack and really normalizing that, or adding your your hours to your email signature. So there are organizations that are getting on board with this and you deserve to be selective about that. But in terms of balancing your, your thoughtfulness or moving towards that a few ideas again, that that anyone can do. My probably one of my favorite is to name your inner critic to give in an identity that’s separate from you that very harsh voice that says you have no idea what you’re doing, you’re gonna look stupid if you speak up and share that idea that tends to be louder than our trusting in the other sides are more intuitive, trusting in our voice. And so if you Give your inner critic a silly light hearted name. I have many clients that name there’s after movie characters and you know, cartoon characters and things like that. It creates psychological distance, you start to be less fused with it and can say, you know, I see you, but I don’t need to listen to you. So it creates just enough of that moment of pause, to give you a chance to change to choose the narrative, you want to tell yourself, that would be the first one. Do you want me to pause there?

Lisa Lewis Miller  25:34  

I yeah, let’s dive into that one a little bit. Because I think that the idea of making that critical voice, something separate from you that it isn’t necessarily 100%, all of who you are, is important. But I also know that there’s a certain amount of creating that kind of emotional buffer that can feel really scary. Because I think that for a lot of high performers, high achievers, you feel like that meticulous, very high standards voice, you know, that will settle for nothing short of perfection, is part of what drives you. And it’s part of what allows you to perform. So how do you walk the line between creating a bit of psychological distance and space, without losing the good things that that sense of detail orientation, or high standards or integrity or even risk management brings to the table for you?

Melody Wilding  26:34  

Yeah, and I hear that all the time that I don’t want to lose my edge. That’s what motivates me. And I think there’s a false equivalency there between that, that negative voice being motivating because actually, what we know from the research is that self criticism actually puts your brain into a state of essentially being paralyzed. It puts your brain into a state of fear, where you’re not doing your best thinking. And so you may think it’s being effective may think you’re being effective, but you are actually capable of so much more if you didn’t have that voice. And so for many people, I asked, you know, how is that gone for you? Like, how does it feel? Does it? Does it feel good? You’re just like, no. And that’s usually enough to say, Okay, are you willing to just experiment and just take, just just try this, just try being a little more compassionate, and even neutral with yourself, you don’t have to be ultra positive, that you’re the best person in the entire world, and you kick butt at everything, you just have to be a little more neutral with it. And so that’s what I would say, to just take that leap of faith, give it a try, see how it goes for you. Because there is a difference between excellence and perfectionism. And really, fundamentally, the difference is about the internal motivation, right? And with excellence, you’re you’re driven towards something, you have more of an intrinsic motivation to be pulled towards it. Whereas with perfectionism, you’re motivated by fear, you don’t want to disappoint people let people down. And so you can achieve the same results, but you can get there on better fuel. You know, it’s kind of like, are you burning natural resources? Are you burning kind of dirty fuel to get there? And so that’s what I would say.

Lisa Lewis Miller  28:33  

Yeah, well, I love thinking about it as renewable energy versus energy that’s gone on to use it because at that creates a really easy distinction of everybody wants to perform at an a level of excellence, and have it be sustainable. Yeah. and sustainable excellence, as opposed to burn yourself out perfectionism that comes with this analysis, paralysis, and with all of these senses of overwhelm, or freaking out or whatever the thing is, that comes up for you. So those are two very different emotive experiences. And I feel like that little piece of compassion that you’re talking about, or the gentleness that can accompany high performance and keep it from tipping over into an unbalanced less helpful place, is another really important nuance and distinction, that if somebody’s listening to this, and they’re thinking, I’m not a perfectionist, I’ve never done anything perfect in my life. Like you, you might be able to tell that maybe, maybe you’re achieving excellence, but it’s not gonna feel good in the doing when it’s coming from that place of I am not perfect, I’m not good at things. And so giving yourself the space to be thoughtful, from a place that’s sustainable and a place that has self compassion. Feels like a really different energy to be in

Melody Wilding  29:58  

100% you That’s such a perfect way to put it.

Lisa Lewis Miller  30:02  

Well, let’s talk about the third letter in the strive acronym. The AR,

Melody Wilding  30:08  

yes, so our R is responsibility. And responsibility is really that aspect of sensitive drivers We are the person you can always count on, we will follow through, we are very committed dependable team players, we’re very responsible in a word. And while we’re, we’re very, like I said, committed to people, we can’t bear to let people down, even if it means sacrificing ourselves. So when responsibility is balanced, you are dedicated, but you have strong boundaries, you have strong limits around that you’re able to delegate effectively, you empower other people to solve their own problems, you maintain your own personal standards for what excellence is, without caving to pressure from other people comparison or people pleasing. Now, on the other hand, when your responsibility is unbalanced, you may over function, so you may swoop in to fix situations to keep people happy to do the work for them. You probably feel guilty for never doing enough never helping enough making a big enough impact. And you may struggle asking for help or saying no.

Lisa Lewis Miller  31:25  

Yeah, oh, my gosh, Melody, as I’m hearing you think you talk about this, I’m thinking of this kind of murder mindset that you see pop up. So often of like, I just need to do more, I just need to do better, I just need to, I don’t have time to delegate to this person. So I just need to do it myself. And it this is another one again, where there’s the internal stuff that you have control over and you can affect and change. And there’s the external. And if you’re in a situation where you’re asserting your boundaries, and you’re asserting them over and over and over again, and they’re not being respected. Like that’s probably a pretty good indication that there is a a values mismatch, a culture mismatch, a a personality, fit mismatch, and it’s probably time to be going somewhere else. But a lot of times for this one in particular, when you think about the question of is it me? Or is it the job. So often when it comes to responsibility, people tend to put a lot more on their own shoulders, then maybe there needs to be, and sometimes have a really difficult time in holding the boundaries that do need to be there. Hmm,

Melody Wilding  32:40  

Yeah, 100%. And when I work with clients, and then the book, I actually go through an exercise for identifying where you need boundaries, because so many times for sensitive strivers, we don’t know how to delineate where we should have boundaries or not, we’re actually that porous. And so I’ll just offer it to the readers, the whole assessment is in the book. But look for areas where you feel the deepest sense of resentment, resentment, bitterness is a great sign that a boundary is needed, that you have given too much for yourself, that there has been some sort of violation where you feel taken advantage of for a longer, long period of time. But most importantly, that you probably have let it go on for too long, which means you have power to change it, instead of continuing to do that task that really should be your colleagues, it’s time to say, Hey, I was happy to help further with this for a few months while you were back from leave. However, now I have too much on my plate. So I’m gonna have to turn this back over to you can we talk about a transition plan, right and pushing back where you need to, but that, that emotion, this is where we go back to listening to yourself and trusting yourself, using your emotions as data to guide you to where you need to create those boundaries for yourself.

Lisa Lewis Miller  34:10  

And, y’all, if you’re listening to this melody is one of the most empathetic kind people on the planet. So melody, I really appreciate you bringing some real talk here of if you are feeling resentment, it doesn’t mean that the other person is without fault or blame. But you have a lot of responsibility and a lot of power to fix that. Because I think that there’s a perception that when we feel an emotion, the other person caused it and the other person is responsible for it. And while there are absolutely things in the external world, and especially like when I think about privilege, like there are some systems, systems of oppression, systems of discriminations and things externally, that can create environments and situations where we can feel anger, frustration and resentment. those emotions also present us with a choice, in a lot of cases about what do I want to do about this? How long am I willing to tolerate feeling like this? Are there things that I could say? Are there things that I could do to shift things and make them feel more empowered, more sustainable and more fair?

Melody Wilding  35:24  

Yeah, I can give you a great example of this from one of my clients who happens to be a black female on a mostly white team. That’s just for context. But she had a situation where someone straight up stole her work copied a dashboard she had created and literally stole her work. And so we were navigating this together. And of course, she was beside herself. She was so angry and just furious and betrayed and everything you can imagine. And we really had to sort through those various layers of she had a lot of questions around Should I speak up? Do I look like the angry black woman if I do that, and just things I, myself as a white woman don’t have to ask myself because of my privilege. But where she landed was that pointed her to that this was so much of a values breach for her that she had to say something. And so she took all the right steps, she documented everything, took screenshots, and presented an extremely diplomatic keys to this person went directly to this person and said, hey, maybe you weren’t aware, but I hope you are aware now that this was a blatant, you know, theft of our work. And I’m here to help resolve it. And so really use it as a catalyst for action and now has actually created sort of a very positive ripple effect in the best way in the team around convert a conversation around recognition and praise. And actually, they’re completely reevaluating their entire approval process for these types of dashboards as a result of her speaking up about this, and that wouldn’t have happened if she just kind of squash that down and said, Oh, I’m being crazy. You know, what, who am I to say anything about this? So it really can be a catalyst for for change.

Lisa Lewis Miller  37:24  

I’m so glad that that that ended? Well, yeah. Because I think yeah, I think that that’s the fear is that like, I’ve been a people pleaser, or I’ve been you know, trying to bend over backwards for everybody else. And when I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of or stepped all over or had something stolen from me, I feel like I don’t have any recourse otherwise, I’m at risk. Yeah. And it feels like the example that you were sharing was that this was big enough and a big enough values problem to be worth worth the risk.

Melody Wilding  37:59  

And I should also add that this person but other clients I have been within a similar situation. also realize that this is a moment for to see if this is the right place for me that this reaction will help me evaluate Is this a place I want to continue staying and growing or not? And so it’s I think it’s it’s wise to pressure test those things because you want to make sure you’re building your career in the right place.

Lisa Lewis Miller  38:29  

Yeah, it really highlights the importance of never viewing a single job as like the one true perfect only thing for you the Cinderella’s slipper, you know, the Goldilocks perfect bowl of porridge that having optionality and flexibility and not being so wedded to your job or so overly loyal, overly responsible to your job that you feel like it’s your entire identity is a really healthy, very balanced as you might say, place to be diversified. Yes, love that. Love that okay, to the next letter in the accurate All right.

Melody Wilding  39:03  

So we have our eye in stride, which is inner drive, and this is the strive side of being a striver. So we, you know, we are, we are driven we place when balanced inner drive, it looks like placing a lot of focus on continually learning, growing, advancing, not necessarily to want to climb the ladder. But because that’s just it’s a value you have it’s core to you to want to keep challenging yourself. It looks like creating goals that are realistic, attainable, that are personally meaningful to you. Making consistent progress while manage managing your energy effectively. So not having these big bursts of action, then completely drawing back and big burst of action and draw back. But when inner drive is unbalanced, you are overworking to the point of exhaustion and burnout just you know, running on all cylinders. You are taking on more goals and tasks that you can handle, you have a high attachment to outcomes and the external rewards praise, recognition, titles, salaries. So that is our inner drive.

Lisa Lewis Miller  40:19  

I feel like that the trend that I keep noticing in each of these is that there’s the stuff that you can control internally, there is the stuff that is totally external. But there’s also this middle ground where the to interact, where you can be making requests, where you can be setting boundaries, where you can be tempering, how the environment is allowed to impact you are allowed to treat you and you’re teaching people how to treat you. And it feels like for this, this drive part of the strive acronym, that this is a really important place to, to get clear on what’s meaningful and valuable to you, like defining success on your own terms. So that way, you know, what’s worth striving for, and what’s worth working for. And where you might need those boundaries, you know, coming back to interplay with the our responsibility to set yourself up or sustainable success, because it feels like if you let somebody else define success as a certain title, or a certain office or a certain, you know, like whatever color BMW, like if, if somebody else is defining that outside of you. And then you get there and you achieve it. It’s gonna feel empty. When that was like the worst thing for a sensitive driver, I could imagine. 

Melody Wilding  41:39  

Yeah. And and really, also, the people pleasing comes back in here too, if you’re doing something because you think it’s going to make other people happy, your family, it’s going to sound good to friends, then it’s not going to feel genuine to you. And there’s there’s a cost to that it creates a creates a lot of internal tension, and you feel like you have to wear a mask.

Lisa Lewis Miller  42:02  

So I imagine looking externally, if you’re in an organization where they have put you into your sort of like career pathway. And there’s only one way up. And there are no options for you to pivot or grow or try new things. And you realize that that one pathway of growth is not one that feels good for you. That could be a really great impetus to say, you know, no matter how much inner work I do, I’m not going to find what I’m looking for here, this is not going to feel good for the long term. And that’s time to make a career switch, whether it’s just doing the same job at another organization that has more flexibility, where maybe it’s a good time to reassess whether or not this is even the path that feels good for you. Or if you want to add new skills or try on a new capability. But what are some of the things that you notice can be really helpful when people are falling into that pattern of overwork, and they’re getting unbalanced, but they feel like they still generally like where they are and what they do and they just need to get back recalibrated.

Melody Wilding  42:59  

Yeah, start by figuring out what is one low risk, commitment or task you can delete from your to do list, start knocking those off, because so many times we sensitive Schreiber’s our goal collectors and to do collectors, and it just keeps growing. And we never audit it for whether this thing that I said I want to do is still a fit for were something I should do. So that would be first. Also not forcing yourself to be productive with every single second of your day, allowing yourself some downtime for pure enjoyment or to just be with yourself will be revolutionary. Creating a transition ritual that helps you put a stop time on the end of the day. Because right now, in this work from home environment, it’s very easy just to keep the workday going. And if we don’t have that firm boundary at the end of the day, so having a transition ritual that marks professional time into personal time, take a shower, change your clothes, write down the top three things to be done the next day, very helpful as a mental marker.

Lisa Lewis Miller  44:14  

Love that. It’s so true that you can just keep building it to do list into perpetuity. So auditing that and being ruthless about cutting the low value things off is a really good tip. I love that. 

Melody Wilding  44:30  

Yes. 

Lisa Lewis Miller  44:30  

Okay, let’s talk about the V.

Melody Wilding  44:33  

V is vigilance. So, vigilance is about being attuned and aware of other people and their behavior. So again, we’re perspective perceptive, excuse me, we’re perceptive. And when our vigilance is balanced, we are able to have attunement and connection, empathy with other people that creates really strong bonds and relationships. We’re able To assess risk, you know, kind of scan the environment for any risk and make a good judgment call. And we’re able to channel our attention inward instead of just completely outward and pursue what’s right for ourselves. But when your vigilance is unbalanced, you are highly responsive to other people and deferential to their needs. You read in to situations even when there’s nothing to worry about. You’re passive, you’re afraid to take chances that may advance your career. So it can really kind of keep you paralyzed and small.

Lisa Lewis Miller  45:36  

I think of the idea of vigilance in this sort of, like, hyper aware, like constantly scanning constantly looking like where’s the danger, where’s the person who’s going to object, where’s the person who’s gonna throw this idea off, and it sounds exhausting?

Melody Wilding  45:55  

It is, when unbalanced it definitely is. It’s like your antennas are up all the time just taking in information.

Lisa Lewis Miller  46:02  

And I imagine that the less balanced version of vigilance is probably if we’re looking at that external piece versus the internal piece versus that where the two systems intersect, it feels like you could absolutely be in an organization that triggers a sense of vigilance for you, because you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel trusted, you feel like you’re constantly going to get critiqued and eaten alive until you feel like you have to be in an unbalanced piece of your, your state of vigilance. So I think it’s another great thing for folks to be monitoring for and noticing. You know, it’s not usually just you would have vacuum, sometimes, sometimes it is, but oftentimes, it’s in response to a circumstance or a situation. So just paying attention to that habit loop of what’s causing me to have my vigilance really kick up, or, or make me feel really withdrawn, might be great for looking at the external environment. What else would you give to folks who want to assess their vigilance?

Melody Wilding  47:09  

Yeah, I think two things. One would be using comparison and jealousy as a guide. Again, going back to our emotions being data, jealousy, envy, comparison, many times points to an under recognized desire or dream we have for ourselves that we don’t currently have. So if you are jealous of a colleague who is getting certain opportunities, what secret wish or hope that you have for yourself? Is that pointing to? Or many times I will have people who are admire and say, Why can I be like that more gregarious colleague who just puts their ideas out there and markets themselves really well. And we have to tap into what is it that that person exemplifies that you want to that is underdeveloped inside of yourself. And it’s really the confidence to use their voice to share their ideas with conviction that we have to work on that, that jealousy of that other person is pointing to. So let’s think number one, number two would be creating a brag file. And I know you talk about this, but having somewhere where you are documenting your achievements and your wins is very important for directing that attention inward on yourself instead of always worrying about what everyone else is doing and how they’re doing it better than you. And so channeling that inward very important. Also very useful to spot patterns for what type of work you enjoy. And even remembering accomplishments comm performance review or time when you do need to work on your resume and LinkedIn.

Lisa Lewis Miller  48:45  

Alright, let’s bring this in for a landing with the E of the strive acronym. 

Melody Wilding  48:50  

The probably the most challenging of all for the people I work with. E is for emotionality. And so as you can imagine, sensitive strivers we are sincere, we’re empathetic. We have intense big emotional responses because we feel so deeply and so emotionality when it’s balanced, you are able to take in and appreciate positive feelings, joy, pride, satisfaction, and appreciate them without guilt without feeling bad for about them. You are able to process and work through difficult emotions to take constructive action instead of staying stuck in them. And you’re able to respond to your feelings with acceptance and more flexibility instead of resisting them trying to push them down or feeling shame around them. But when your emotionality is unbalanced, you can get easily derailed by fear, self doubt and stay stuck in those unpleasant feelings for days. Sometimes, you may pretend everything is okay while you are silently brooding. And a lot of clients tell me they feel like they’re just at a at the whim of an ever changing stream of feelings, you know, one moment they’re up one moment, they’re down. And they don’t feel like they’re in control of their own emotional state.

Lisa Lewis Miller  50:12  

I can imagine from an external systems perspective that one of the things happening around you, that you may be able to influence is how you receive feedback. Because I know that feedback can be such a big piece of emotionality. And so asking for certain circumstances or situations in order to best receive that feedback might be a great thing that you can do proactively to set yourself up for success, like asking to get negative feedback in a written form, or told in private rather than having constructive feedback pulled in front of a big group. But what else would you suggest for folks who are wanting to balance that emotionality to be not necessarily like happy all the time, right not to be fake not to be like in a status plate, please, but to be able to be human, and also feel a little bit more in control of your life.

Melody Wilding  51:08  

You have to emotions are energy in the body. So you have to metabolize them through you in some sort of way. However, that works for you, if it’s processing with a friend journaling about it. Even just exercising, giving yourself worry time, which is kind of giving yourself you know, 10 or 20 minutes to just brain dump all of your fears and make sense of them. You need a way to move it through you rather than just let me put my head down and get back to work and try to ignore it because it will come up another way.

Lisa Lewis Miller  51:42  

That is such healthy, good advice for all of us. Even if you’re not feeling that unbalanced, find a way to let it move through you so that it doesn’t just sit there and become some sort of giant volcanic explosion. processing is always a good thing. Well, Melody, this has been such a delight. And I can only imagine everybody listening is thinking, Oh, this is so great. I want to get my hands on her book. So for people who want to learn more about you and your body of work and your brand new book Born Today, where should they go?

Melody Wilding  52:13  

Yes, thank you. You can find me and all of my work and the book at melody Wilding calm. You can also find the book as Lisa said anywhere books are sold. Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Pick your choice.

Lisa Lewis Miller  52:27  

Very nice. Well, Melody, thank you for doing this work in the world. And for coming on the Career Clarity Show today. I can imagine there are so many people listening to this who are feeling like, oh, I’ve got a plan. Now. I’ve got a path. I’m not broken. I’m not weird. I’m not defective. It’s just getting back into balance.

Lisa Lewis Miller  52:55  

And that’s a wrap. Let us know what you thought about today’s episode. leave us a review on Apple podcasts. Because not only can your stars and words help us find great guests and topics to feature on future episodes. Your input also helps other people find the resources they need to discover the work that lights them up. And make sure to check out my book Get Career Clarity: Finally Find the Work That Fits Your Values and Lifestyle. For the link to order it go to GetCareerClarity.com/book. And don’t forget to get your other tools resources and helpful goodies at GetCareerClarity.com/podcast. Thanks again for joining us for the Career Clarity Show today. And remember, if you don’t love your work, we should talk because life is too short to be doing work that doesn’t light you up. Talk to you next time.

About the Author Lisa Lewis

Lisa is a career change coach helping individuals feeling stuck to find work that fits. She helps people clarify who they are, what they want most, and what a great job for them looks like so they can make their transition as easily as possible. Lisa completed coaching training in Jenny Blake’s Pivot Method, Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions, Kate Swoboda's Courageous Living Coaching Certification, and the World Coaches Institute. In addition to that, she apprenticed with the top career coaches in the country so she can do the best possible work with — and for — you. She's helped more than 500 individuals move into more fulfilling, yummy careers and would be honored to get to serve you next!

follow me on: